The Woods

I purposefully lost myself in the woods this week.

This is where I went.

Sometimes you've just gotta get lost to find something new.

Today's Table and Thank You!

It feels really good to be working again!

A great big THANK YOU to everybody who has sent well wishes and hugs and cards and words of encouragement! I am truly overwhelmed by the goodness of it all. Overwhelmed in a good way, not in the what-the-hell-am-I-doing-I-can't-possibly-do-this sort of way that keeps rearing it's ugly head. It really means so much. I've read and re-read every word. Thank you, thank you , thank you!

Lulu and I are slowly settling in to a new routine. I got myself a little travel trailer that I'm well on my way to turning into a home of my own. I'm currently parked at my folks' house while I try to find my feet. I am so grateful for them! They live out in the country, and Lulu's loving the mole-chasing opportunities. I was feeling so down the other morning when Lulu came bounding over with a present for me, a dead mole that she quite proudly dropped at my feet. She looked up at me with such unconstrained exuberance that I just had to laugh. I know, poor mole, but it made me giggle nonetheless. I think country life suits us just fine.

Where I've Been

The past 5 weeks have been the hardest of my entire life, and I haven't exactly had a comfy life. I've been with Dylan for 22 years, since we were both 18 years old. He was my safety, my comfort. I trusted him implicitly and gave him my whole heart. I became "the Jo part of Dylan and Jo" and lost more and more of myself in the process. When he told me that he was leaving me, I thought I would die. I was genuinely surprised that my heart continued to beat.  I thought I couldn't live without him.

I was wrong. 

I now know that I am stronger than I ever could have imagined.  My heart has been well and truly broken, but with the help of a wonderful support system I'm stitching it back together bit by bit. I'm learning to comfort myself. My creativity has always been healing for me, and I'm leaning on it heavily to get me through this. I'm allowing/encouraging/pushing myself to take a new path. It's scary. It's rough and overgrown and full of thorns, and I'm certainly stumbling along (hell, I'm practically falling off cliffs), but I'm just gonna keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that it's leading somewhere beautiful.

I didn't choose this. I'm deeply grieving the loss of my husband, of hopes and dreams of an imagined future together, but I'm also painting a new picture in my mind. I'm learning to embrace the possibility that my life can be whatever I make it. I'm choosing to make it wonderful.